Put the X Back in Xmas
By Harry

Harry says, And put the H back in erb while you're at it.

You can wish me merry Xmas if you want. I won't mind. You can even pay me to have a merry Xmas. I'd gladly take upwards of five bucks to have a happy holiday, especially since you insist I remain joyful the entire month of December.

But you don't have to go out of your way to wish me a happy, suicide-free CHRISTmas with such precise pronunciation. Or when you see me sleeping on your front lawn in your nativity scene, there's no need to come running out in the middle of the night waving your festive, holiday shotgun around. No need for all that fuss or all those capital letters.

Merry Xmas will do just fine.

Think of all the things the letter X has improved. Did anyone ever care about "rays" until they invented the X kind? And "men" are common, vulgar creatures, but add an X, and they become cool and get put on drink cups. I bet that Christ guy never had his face put on a drink cup.

The letter X conjures images of shadowy planets at the far reaches of the galaxy, armored in radiation undetectable by normal means. Maybe that's where God lives. Him and his pet reindeer and angels with the pointy hats and curly-toed shoes. Every year God flies across the vacuum of space, dodging laser fire from our orbiting death satellites, to bring toys to all the good people of earth who can afford them.

And you want to go and remove the name of God's home planet from the one day of the year he shows himself to his people. Well go right ahead. Because this year, I'm putting out an extra plate of chicken nuggets for the old guy and thumbtacking a few extra socks to the outside of my house. And I'm parking my house in the middle of the biggest X marks the spot I can find. So while you piss off God by renaming his special day, I'll be getting more presents than you can shake your judgmental finger at.

Harry stands in the street and says, Bring on the loot Mr. X

More Holiday Traditions


foolscap Home       Podcast       Essays       Poems       Songs       Videos       Stories       Images foolscap

Vestigial
now available for purchase or download
.
Vestigial by Michael Channing