Setting the Platinum Record Straight
by Bob

Below is a super-early essay I wrote for the site, back when I also did stick-figure comics. The plan was to have the characters write essays from time to time to fill in when I was busy being a famous writer/rock star/cloud gazer. That didn't last long, but the few essays attributed to those characters are still here. This character, Bob, is based on my friend, also named Bob. The fictional Bob only wore Rush t-shirts and talked almost exclusively about his favorite band. The real life Bob is a many-faceted individual with far more extensive tastes than just the holy triumvirate, though he does love him some Rush.

And of course this was written back before Rush were installed into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, when all their fans were certain there was a conspiracy against Rush's entry, simultaneously denouncing the Hall of Fame as a joke while desperately wanting to see their favorite trio enshrined. Anyway, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

It's that time of year again. In the North, the nights are taking on a crisp chill, and the trees are beginning to put on a new coat of paint. In the South, hurricane shutters are creaking open, then slamming shut again as residents spy the hoard of old people fleeing the cold nights up north.

And Rush takes their annual hosing from the hose bags at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Rush have been eligible for Hall of Fame induction for ten years, and not once has their name appeared anywhere near a list of possible inductees. This injustice cannot be allowed to continue. I want to you to go to your window right now, throw it open, and say to the world, "I'm fairly irked about this, and I'm not gonna go on taking it without at least a token show of mild disdain!"

But I'm not here to preach to the choir. I'm here to make new converts. If you're not a Rush fan, please pay close attention to these amazing and true facts about the world's greatest band. Afterward, there will be no doubt of their rightful place among the others in the hallowed halls of fame.

Geddy Lee

Many people have a problem with Geddy's voice. Yes, it's high-pitched. But did you know that his voice is part of a force that holds the world together? Imagine the planet sitting on the fulcrum of a teeter-totter. Keeping that teeter-totter level is Geddy's voice on one side, and the guy from The Crash Test Dummies on the other. If either one of them should be eliminated, our world would slide into a twisted dimension of chaos and torment. There are those who would profit from such a disaster. They already got to Barry White and Betty Boop. We must protect Geddy Lee at all costs. And the Crash Test Dummies guy, too, I suppose.

We can't overlook Geddy's prowess with a bass guitar. Cliff Burton, the late bass player for Metallica, listed Geddy as one of his main influences. And the rest of Metallica admit they'd be nowhere today without Burton's tutoring. So Geddy Lee had a direct impact on Metallica, and Metallica are up for induction this year. Why not Rush?

Alex Lifeson

Alex was born Alexander Zivojinovichaborkborkvvizixxaborkaniovinicarobineriajjorkinzqiborkbork, which is Serbian for "master of anything with strings." His talents emerged at an early age when he pulled down the mobile from above his crib, fashioned it into a crude lyre, and played "Mary Had a Little Lamb." When questioned, his parents stated they didn't think little Alex had ever heard "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

His mother had this to say about her son's skills: "Oh, we've always been good with string in this family. His father is real good at tying his shoes, and his grandfather could work two Yo-Yos at once. But when Alex made a violin out of his own hair, we knew he was something special."

On stage, Alex can often be seen playing a guitar of his own invention, the Double and a Half Neck Flamenco Classicelectric Flying Y Special.

Alex married his first girlfriend over twenty-five years ago, and they've been together ever since. That kind of dedication and loyalty deserves to be in some kind of hall of fame. Why not the rock and roll one?

Neil Peart

Neil Peart is the world's strongest man. He has huge, Popeye-like forearms. Once, while experimenting with the Bobby McFerrin style of body percussion, Neil put himself in traction. If you enjoy having fingers, do not give this man a high-five.

That strange hat he's always wearing is an actual crown. After he defeated King Kong Bundy in a steel cage lumberjack match, Bundy placed the crown upon Neil's head and from then on was known simply as Kong Bundy.

If you've ever seen a Rush concert, you've noticed that while the other two guys are getting into their own playing and making orgasm faces, Neil wears a blank, far-off expression. He's playing chess in his mind, designing a new drum kit, outlining his next book, mapping out a new cross-country motorcycle trip, picking out what he'll have for breakfast the next day, and doing long division for fun. While his left hand handles the high-hat and snare, his right hand alternates between the floor toms, cymbals, tubular bells, and a notepad directly in front of him on which he writes poetry. His left foot triggers synthesized sounds, the high-hat, and a tambourine pedal, as well as the bass drum. The toes of his right foot clinch a brush, and Neil paints images of the saints on sheets of glass.

Neil Peart doesn't have time to make orgasm faces.

Every Rush album since 1980 has won the Modern Drummer magazine reader poll for best recorded drum performance. The only reason I can imagine he's not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is that the chairman is scared to shake Neil's hand at the induction ceremony.

What more is there to say? What else could you possibly need to hear that will convince you they deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Does a national government have to present them with honorary medals signifying their contributions to music and to the nation as a whole? You'd think Hall of Fame status would be easier to win than government recognition.

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