Journal of Fear and Hope (2009)

Electric Just-Friends Land
December 31, 2009

It may have been a while since I've posted here, but I have not been lazy. I've just been writing elsewhere.

I've been meeting and hanging out with amazingly smart, talented, beautiful girls who want nothing more than to be my friends. Which is fine. Except I keep hearing all about how they can't get laid or about the douchey guys they keep meeting and/or sleeping with. Futher proof that girls don't want a nice guy boyfriend who compliments and respects them and writes them poetry. They want a goddamn vampire to treat them like glory holes so they can continue to complain about how horrible men are. I tell myself just being able to talk to these lovely and artistic girls is a boon to my existence. But that doesn't take the sting off.
The first of two poems this week is about the lonelyache I find myself keeping company with these days. Even Rollins has dealt with this feeling in the past. We deal with it in different ways.
The other poem is a happier one. I wrote it as a going away present for one of my just-friend girls. She was going to move in with her boyfriend in New York, but guess what. He's a douche and won't return her phone calls. I hope the poem gives her something to run on.

Flow My Faith
Nevember 6, 2009

As a young man, I wanted there to be a god so I could hate him. To repay all my unanswered prayers, I cast insults at the heavens. Of course that did about much good as praying and in the end turned me into an enormous asshole. I dated a girl who was a witch. She had many gods, and I cursed every one. I quoted Mark Twain who said if one believes there is an all-seeing, all-powerful god, one must come to the inevitable conclusion that he is a malign thug. But I thought of Huck Finn's trip down the Mississippi. When he and Jim returned to the river, life was easy and pleasant. The river provided food and safety, time to ponder the stars and our place among them. On land, however, were the cheats and criminals, the slavers and the drunk fathers. And I realized Twain had found his god in the River. Then this happened to me.

Blasphemy-ish
October 28, 2009

Unlike Douglas Adams, Henry Rollins, or Harlan Ellison, I've never declared god to be nonexistent. I like the idea of a higher power. But not someone to blame my misfortunes on or an excuse to level judgment at others. (Do you really need an excuse for that?) I want a god who'll show me around his creation, tell cool stories about how he burried some of his dinosaur toys when he was a kid and never found them again, point to the Grand Canyon and say, "Check this out over here," and basically show me his etchings. And when I ask him why he let Hitler do what he did, he'll say, "Who was that again? I was dating this hot love goddess over in the Crab Nebula for a couple centuries so I missed a lot. And let me tell you, I didn't name it the Crab Nebula for nothing."

None of that has anything to do with this song, except they both ponder upon the existence of the afterlife. If you could make up your own Heaven, what would you do?

Going Off
October 22, 2009

This week brings two new poems from right outside my house. I'm liking my apartment more and more, now that it's stopped raining in my utility closet and the place no longer smells like a monkey house. But every weekend I get the urge to leave. I usually go downtown and walk. But being the awkward social animal I am, I then get the urge to go back home and play video games. My heart is a cowardly suicide bomber.

Many Leaves Fall
October 14, 2009

This week I present a new song. It's about sadness and being alone. Big surprise. But I'm finding out that, like Rollins says, there is much to be learned from depression. The days last longer, for one thing. And familiar things take on new light. I was reading a Ray Bradbury story at a little restaurant downtown one night--the story was "The Foghorn," one of Bradbury's best--and suddenly it took new shape. It became a story about isolation and unrequited love instead of a simple tale about a dinosaur pushing over a lighthouse. I was able to connect with the story in a way I never have before. And of course, when you're lonely, every human contact, regardless of intensity or duration, becomes much more important. You savor every interaction. Just be careful not to cling too tightly. That's what started this whole desolate journey in the first place.

Foma
September 25, 2009

While many writers have influenced me, Kurt Vonnegut is one of the few I have deliberately tried to imitate. I wrote a story in which I appear as myself alongside my fictional contructs, as Vonnegut did in a few of his books. I called the story "Karass," and it's still one of the best things I've ever written. Just can't get anyone to buy it. I keep thinking about publishing it here, but I would really love for it to find a home in a magazine somewhere.

I learned this week how impotent and useless words can be. I love words, but when someone tells you her father may be dying and someone else says her life is empty and lonely and her soul feels shot through with cannonade, what can you say? Nothing. Words lose their power. All I could do was listen.

Shoulda Known
September 3, 2009

This week is dedicated to things you ought to know. And if you don't know this week's WHOF inducteee, you have missed out.

At the comedy open mic this week something wonderful happened. It was after the show, but it started like this: One of the comedians was trying out a fairly new bit about retardation. The crowd was wiling to go with him for a while. Then he did the voice. Lost them completely. Afterwards, gathered around for beer, cigarettes, and commiseration, we went over our sets. And I got to put the sage advise of Tropic Thunder to practical use. That's right. I was able, with all sincerity, to use the line, "You never go full retard."

Oh, and I am now offically awkward. But that's something you already knew.

Grand Reaper
August 26, 2009

I was once in the same city as Tom Waits. Columbus, Ohio 2008. Bob and I were there, of course, for the Origins game fair. Waits was on his Glitter and Doom tour. His show fell on the same night as the Smithee Awards. Now I admit the Smithee Awards are a highlight of my summer, maybe even of my year. But, Tom muthafuggin Waits! Bob wasn't really into Tom Waits, so he vetoed the concert. That year was the greatest goddamned Smithee Awards ever. I keep telling myself that over and over.
I've had this song in the can for a few years. Since Waits has been a powerful influence on my music, I figured now was as good a time as any to unleash it on the public.

Good Grief
August 12, 2009

This Week I honor Charles Schulz.
I write these Hall of Fame essays in a mad rush, so sometimes I forget something, but going back I find it difficult to squeeze it into the essay without disrupting what I see as a smooth flow. So I wanted to take this space to mention how Peanuts inspired me to draw my own comic strip. I was a lousy artist--still am--and I had no life experience to draw humor from. So my strip was full of bloated people with long fingers spouting dumb jokes I probably read in Readers Digest. I wanted to call my strip That's Life, which is a title actually worse than Peanuts. I only drew a few strips before I got frustrated with my lack of talent. Thank goodness Bill Watterson didn't feel that way.
I know Snoopy is a terrible writer, but I have to admire the guy's perseverance. Sometimes I use the image of him at his typewriter for my screen saver.

A Little Help From My Grrlfriends
July 29, 2009

Sadness is something we all have to live through. Writing helps me work through it. I feel driven to wrench myself out of the grip of ennui. But when I write about sadness I usually come off pretentious and use words like "ennui" to make myself seem important. So if this week's WHOF fame entry sounds overblown, blame it on the French.

Wocka Wocka Wocka
July 23, 2009

To mark my triumphant return to the comedy stage, I honor one of the funniest men who ever lived.

The only all-comedy open mic in Asheville is called Tomato Tuesday. It's at a bar, and on every table is a small basket of foam tomatoes. After a few minutes, the MC flips on a light, illuminating a brass gong on the stage next to the performer. The audience can then decide if the comic can continue, or kick his unfunny ass off the stage by pinging the gong with a tomato or three. Bob and I thought the same thing: alcohol plus the welcome invitation to throw things equals a barage of toy tomatoes. But not so. You forget, this is Asheville. They were a sophisticated audience who realized most of the comics were very green and working on brand new material. Still, two comics were actually tomatoed, but they deserved it. One guy peppered his set with long pauses then finished an unfunny declaration with "That's no joke." In retrospect, it should have been. The second tomatoee told a tasteless cum-joke, at which time the teenaged girls in the front row and their parents let fly. The final comic was a for real professional. He talked to the young girls and their parents, got one girl to demonstrate two of the dances that all the hip young kids are doing nowadays, and even got the mom to crack a smile. The girls provided a wealth of material. It was the comedic equivilant of a slow pitch over the plate. When I talked to him afterwards, he didn't seem to realize what he had done. He had created an event that will never occur again. Comics by nature have to repeat the same words and actions hundreds of times. They call it a comedy routine for a reason. But that night, he was part of a unique event. I hope he knows how special that was.

Oh, and my set? Not bad. It took a few minutes to shake the rust off. I told a story I'd never told before, managed a few chuckles, then did some tried and true material that went over well. I didn't realize how much I missed being on stage till I left it that night.

Another Asphalt Adventure
July 17, 2009

Last week, I went to a show. Throughout my life I've taken on many epithets. About two months ago I became The Guy What Gets Things Done. Now it seems I'm The Guy What Has Adventures And Writes About Them. Which I'm okay with. Writing these essays and Hall of Fame entries has kept the words flowing. And, after starting one particular short story three times now, it is a triumph to actually finish something.

Flex
July 15, 2009

A whole month gone by with no posts. Good things and bad things got in the way. But I'm back. I'll have something fun later this week.

Stephen King has been on my mind recently. Last month marked the tenth aniversary of his accident. He was lucky that day. That's he's still here means we were all pretty lucky.

I've found that writing is like exercising. As you do it more everyday, you build up your endurance. And you increase your strength. It never really stops being work, but it's good work, work you look forward to. When I first started a month ago, it was difficult to stay focussed more than ten minutes before I felt the urge to check e-mail or play a game or just wander around the house looking for a digression. Now the words come faster, and I can stay within the story longer. Now that I have a regular old job and much less time for myself, it's actually easier to slip into writing mode. As my time is taken from me, I have a mental need to devote more of it to what's important.

Hired!
June 18, 2009

Had a job interview the other day. Went about as well as could be expected.

I wish I Had That Drive
June 17, 2009

I just realized yesterday that Neil Peart is the only song writer who's entire catalog I have heard.

Reading through Dangerous Visions today, I read something from Harlan Ellison that put my recent writing slump into perspective. He said it took him fifteen months to complete the story he included in the anthology. I suddenly didn't feel too bad about the stories I am currently staring at with no idea how to finish. But in the next paragraph he reports that during those fifteen months he wrote "a film and a half-dozen TV scripts and two dozen stories and uncoutable articles, reviews, criticisms, introductions, and edited this book." Fuck you, too, Harlan.

Asphalt Adventure
June 16, 2009

I had an adventure over the weekend. This is why I came back to Asheville.

The site is changing slowly because I learn by experimenting, testing, experimenting again. And I don't have a lot of time to devote to coding. But I have added a Share This button to all the content pages. So whenever you see this button click it, and you'll be able to share my work with your friends and enemies through all the major social sites as well as plain old e-mail.

And speaking of e-mail. I'd like to remind you that until I put up the comments ability (still working in the lab with that one) you are free to e-mail me using any of the e-mail links on the site. Share you thoughts on writing--mine yours, or anyone else's.

New Story: Uncle Walrus
June 12, 2009

A little late today. I'm depressed, working slowly when I work at all. Sometimes I get the urge to just stare up at the ceiling for hours. Then I argue within myself that this is getting nothing done. But what's the point of doing anything when nothing you do matters? This is the part of depression that scares me the most. When thoughts like that begin to make sense. So we have a fun story today. An old one I re-edited because I wanted to work with something silly. I feel better, I do. Because I finished something. The problem with doing nothing is you never know when you're done.

A Note From Joe Hisownself
June 10, 2009

Hi. Joe Lansdale here. I appreciate you letting me drop by. I feel like a door to door book salesman, trying to sell my wares. Which, I suppose, is exactly what I'm doing. I want to let everyone know about my latest novel, a Hap and Leonard book, the seventh in the series, from Knopf, VANILLA RIDE. And I think one of the best I've done. I'm excited about it, and my new short story collection from THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS, SANCTIFIED AND CHICKEN FRIED, THE PORTABLE LANSDALE. Check them out. And good luck with your site, and thanks for letting me drop by.
Joe Lansdale

Thanks for the note, Joe. What a cool guy. Coincidentally, Joe is my lastest inductee into the Writers Hall of Fame.

I've started reading online fiction. Some of it is not very good. And some of the not very good writing was paid for and posted in a professional e-zine. This is the moment Stephen King said would come, when I (or any writer) would find published work and say, "I can do better than that." I'll put up a list of links soon, though I'll let you be the judge of what is good or bad.

I've not given up my dream of making a career as a writer. I still want to get paid. But I also want the challenge of post a new story here every Friday. So that means extra work. I've always had a regular old job so I could indulge myself with luxuries like food and a place to live, and I'll have to maintain one for a while yet. But I know the day is coming when I can do what I love for a living and look myself eye-on in the mirror with pride and know I am what I was born to be.

When the Radio Tries to Kill You
June 3, 2009

Henry Rollins has done so much for me. The least I could do is put him in my hall of heroes. I could certainly use his strength now.

When you end a relationship, does your ex call up all the radio stations and tell them to play nothing but love songs and break up songs? That's all I hear these days. When I go to a store, over the intercom comes songs about how we're perfect together, or how it's over and we must move on. Then all the security cameras track me as I walk up and down the aisles weeping.

Music can certainly aid the healing process, but you need the right kind of music. You don't need The Beatles. Driving to my new home, I found a radio station playing nothing but Beatles tunes for two hours. Nearly killed me. "Hey, Jude," "All You Need is Love," "The Long and Winding Road." These will tear into you. But the Mount Everest of break up songs is "Yesterday." If you listen to "Yesterday" after a break up it will, like Everest, suck the air out of your lungs and crush your heart.

I recommend Rollins himself. Or Motorhead. Something fast and loud and violent. Jump around, scream, shake your fist and feel righteous. It beats feeling sorry for yourself.

If you must delve into your pain, at least put on some blues. Blues songs talk about loss and pain, but they do it with a Nietzschean strength that builds not only character, but armor against the next time. Because when you're done yelling or crying, you will try again. And when that person asks what radio stations you listen to, say you only listen to books on tape.

The Way the Wind Blows
May 29, 2009

In the wake of major upheavals in my life, I have vowed to refocus this website on story writing. No new comics for a while, but there will be a new short story every Friday and new Hall of Fame inductees on Wednesdays.

Eventually readers will have the ability to leave comments and tell me how great I am. Because I want the learning experience, I plan to design and code the comment or forums area myself. Till then, I welcome any input (positive or negative) via e-mail.

Even before the internet came along, the markets for short stories were shrinking. There once existed dozens of magazines for every genre, and writers could make a living on just stories. Now it's harder than ever for an unknown to break into print. So writers seeking an audience turn to the internet. Now the problem with that particular market is that we've all come to expect (perhaps rightly so) content on the web to be free. So when posting on the web, should writers hold back better stories to sell to magazines? If so, that means you're left with substandard stories for all to read on the web. And if you give away your best material, how can you ever hope to make a living at your craft? The answer I came up with is to put your best work forward and build a readership that enjoys your writing and recognizes your name. You then have an existing audience ready and willing to buy print copies, be they magazines or books. This will be a major selling point when you begin to shop your stories or novels to paying venues.

So part of my new resolve is to not only consistently post what I feel is my best work, but also to read the work of others scattered across this vast electronic library, and encourage writers who need and deserve it in hopes that they will, in turn, find my stories and become part of my audience.