All the Right Places

by Michael Channing


Earlier this week, my fiancé sent me a Facebook message saying, "I love you, but..."

That brought me an initial burst of joy and then the withering fear of what would follow.

What followed was, "I hope you don't hate me for reorganizing your movie collection." Now that's not a big thing, but it's a thing. I'll explain for all you moms, wives, and girlfriends who have to deal with a member of the lesser sex on a day to day basis. Let's say your guy puts something--a sock, for example--on the floor. Understand, that is where that sock lives. That is its home. Don't relocate the sock. Or if you do, at least leave a forwarding address. Because a few minutes or possibly days from that moment, you will see your guy frozen in place, scratching his head, staring in bewilderment at the empty space below the bed. In your admittedly valiant plan to tidy up the house, you've upset the balance of the universe. You've sent the sun spinning around the moon, and reality is all bent and wobbly. Your guy knows the sock should be there. He helped it unpack. But now you've lost it somewhere in the uncharted region of the chest of drawers.

So it was with some degree of trepidation that I drove home to the chaos that had befallen my movie collection.

I was actually quite surprised. She had done a great job. One decision I wholeheartedly endorsed was putting my Mystery Science Theater collection on the top shelf of the movie rack. That way, in a moment of panic, I can turn in my desk chair, see all that greatness staring back at me, and know the world is a kind and caring place. Hey, any world with Crow T. Robot in it is exactly the place I want to live.

My MST3k collection, made of pure bliss

Pictured: Nirvana

Moving beyond the top rack, she walked me through the other changes she had made. It was then she spoke the greatest words anyone had ever said to me. Well, she had already said "I love you," so this was really the second greatest.

She said, "And these are your Batmans."

Have five words ever strung together into a more beautiful sentence? She gathered together my Batman movies, which span decades and various recording media, together into one central location, then made sure I was aware of their position on the movie rack. Because in a Batman emergency, efficiency is key.

But the thoughtfulness didn't end there. "Over here are your zombies," she said, "and over here are your vampires." So they wouldn't fight. Perfect.

She knows me. She knows my weirdness, knows the things I hold dear. Everyone was always trying to remove Linus from his security blanket, but my fiancé had cleaned mine up and moved it closer. The only thing I can say to that is, "I love you, too."

Being an Adult With the Mind of a Child


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Vestigial
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Vestigial by Michael Channing